Screw You Kid
Screw You Kid – Double Stroller
Your kids look like jackasses
Oh great, just screw the rest of us. So you have another sibling that also refuses to walk fast enough to keep up with life? Of course you need the stroller equivalent of a Hummer to get around. It’s not like I wanted to use the sidewalk too.
It’s not all your fault. Your parents could have decided not be complete tant-faces and buy a tandem stroller. Of course that would mean that one of you couldn’t see the wonderful world that you think revolves around you. This is much better because not only do you get to see the grocery store, but you’ll take up the whole isle. That’s cool, I love having to turn my whole cart around waiting for you to exit the cereal isle. I hope that Captain Crunch you got destroys the roof of your mouth. SCREW YOU KIDS!
Screw You Kid “Muscles”
Nickname: Juiced Box
Great you’re 10 years old and you’re already a giant bag of douche. Let me do you a favor and map out the rest of your life for you so there are no surprises.
11 years old – You start pouring muscle milk into your fruit loops.
12 years old – You commit your first hate crime.
13 years old – Bro, man, & “get huge” become 90% of your vocabulary.
14 years old – Nickelback becomes your favorite band (because they’re so deep, like you).
15 years old – Anything with sleaves is removed from your wardrobe.
16 years old – You buy a crotch rocket and spend most your free time cruising up and down your small towns main street.
17 years old – You get a girlfriend.
18 years old – You get your girlfriend pregnant.
19 years old and on – You become an alcoholic and constantly talk about “the good old days”.
Your whole life – Screw you kid!
Screw You Kid “Sandwich”
Future Subway Sandwich Artist Dropout
You seriously think this sandwich is the least bit appetizing? It’s obvious that you couldn’t even make a proper lunchable, let alone a normal sandwich.
Things wrong with this sandwich:
- The ingredients are on the top half of the bun for some reason.
- The bottom half of the bun is missing. Maybe it left when your dad left you and your mom.
- The lettuce is neon green.
- There is only one slice of meat.
- And it’s all topped off with some pine needles
Do yourself a favor and spend more time learning how to make a sandwich and less time with a curling iron. SCREW YOU KID!
Screw You Kid “Golf”
Douche
I hope to god that you just hit yourself in the head with that 5 iron, because that is the only way that face is acceptable. Golf – the perfect sport for when your dad refuses to play catch with you. HAHA, SCREW YOU KID!
Screw You Kid “Hipster”
Find this kid and slap him
You think you’re so damn cool because you listen to Raffi ironically and drink RC Cola. Well guess what jerk face, YOU’RE NOT! It’s not cool, it’s annoying, and everyone hates you. Everyone hates your stupid Charlie Brown Mime shirt, your knock off Ray-Bans, and your “I don’t drink milk because that’s too mainstream” attitude. SCREW YOU KID!
Screw You Kid “Trophy”
Rapist
*Slow clap* Well congratulations, you won a glorified paper weight at some stupid local event. I can only assume it’s a Steven Tyler look alike contest. It doesn’t change the fact that you advertise that you can’t be trusted around women. Nothing described above should be considered positive, but yet you still have that stupid gap toothed smile on your face. SCREW YOU KID!
Screw You Kid “Stew”
STOP IT!
How do you expect us to finish our delicious baby stew if you keep eating the ingredients? SCREW YOU KID!
Screw You Kid “Sailor?”
I hate you so much
Who the hell dresses like this? You can’t be a sailor and a lumberjack, PICK ONE! Oh, and thank god that hideous hat is strapped to your stupid face. You wouldn’t want a gust of wind to blow that unrolled condom off your head. What the hell is up with that bow? It’s obviously reused from someone who gifted a car.
I can’t even tell if you’re a real person or just some creepy doll that came alive after it was placed in that magic cupboard from The Indian in the Cupboard. I used to love those books, but now all I can think about is the Brawny man joining the Navy. SCREW YOU KID!
Screw You Kid “Blocks”
OH WOW, look at you! I bet you think you’re some sort of awesome architect just because you stacked some blocks. Well I got news for you kid, THAT’S THE WORST BLOCK TOWER EVER! Drunk monkeys playing Jenga make better towers. Seriously, just look at the foundation that you started with. The blocks on the bottom don’t even match up. Good luck getting that thing past 10 blocks in height. Next time you’re at the toy store ask your parents to buy you some Legos and glue because that’s the only way something you build will ever stay together. Also, where are you building this thing, a cave? SCREW YOU CAVE KID!
Screw You Kid
I decided to start a new series of articles titled, “Screw You Kid”. More often than not when I see a kid in public or talk to a kid for an extended period of time I want to tell them off. Unfortunately I can’t do this because for some reason it’s frowned upon in our society. This series should fill that void left in my life.
Seriously kid, the peace sign? How about you try using a hand gesture from your own generation. It’s not the 60′s anymore and you’re just going to have to deal with that. Plus the peace sign has become so corporate now that it’s more ironic to use it than anything and I seriously doubt you understand irony let alone the plot to Blue’s Clues.
Also, I doubt those sunglasses have any UV protection and you’re just wearing them to look cool. It’s good to know that your coolness role model is Chester Cheeto. Unless I’m wrong and you think wearing those glasses makes you invisible. In that case your just an idiot. SCREW YOU KID!
