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Chicago Architecture
Check it out
I never get sick of looking at our beautiful skyline. I don’t care that I look like a tourist downtown just because I look up at the towering buildings in awe. Chicago is well known for it’s beautiful and constantly changing skyline so excuse me for enjoying it. I love reading about new additions and changes to older buildings. A great blog for this is The Chicago Architecture Blog. I suggest you check it out.
FAQ about “Shit Chicagoans Say”
Most of the response to the “Shit Chicagoans Say” is extremely positive, but some people aren’t so happy. Chicagoans are very proud of their city so it was no surprise to me to find out that some people wanted more out of the video. I’m posting this to help ease some upset people.
“You missed so many things”
99% of the things people say we “missed” had to be edited out. A typical “Shit ____ say” video shouldn’t be longer than two in a half minutes and anything longer than three is beyond annoying. If I would have kept all the quotes in the video would have been 10 minutes long. We had to cut a lot of good stuff out to get to an appropriate length. If this was a cat video I’m sure it could have been 10 minutes long and most would love it, but even then someone would say, ‘Why isn’t this an hour long? I NEED ONE HOUR OF CATS TO STAY ALIVE.”
“This should be Shit Northsiders Say”
The north side of Chicago is still Chicago so the title isn’t incorrect. I’m sorry that we didn’t have time to go to every neighborhood in Chicago and film what each side says differently. This is a “Shit ___ Say” video, not a documentary.
“You’re not even from Chicago!”
You are correct my friend, but I’m sorry there is nothing I can do about that. I guess I’m less of a person because I couldn’t use fetus mind control powers to get my mom to pop me out in Chicago. I’ve lived in Los Angeles, San Diego, Wisconsin, Denver, Taiwan, and Chicago. Chicago is by far the best place I’ve lived, I love it here, and I’m proud to call myself a Chicagoan. Many people who helped write the video were born and raised here in Chicago and I even got help from reddit.com/r/chicago.
“You’re a yuppie”
People still use that term, what is it 1985? Well in order to be a yuppie I would have to be upper middle or upper class. Considering I live in a small studio apartment with my cat, Mayor McCheese, and eat ramen noodles, I doubt I qualify. I spend most of my free time taking improv classes or performing around the city. If you’re going to call me anything, call me a theater nerd.
Overall I’m very happy with the way the video turned out and so excited that so many love it. I hope the others realize that it’s just a YouTube video and is for entertainment purposes only. If you get upset about it you might want to consider thinking about other problems in the world or making your own video. Sorry, I tried my best. Also, sorry I’m not sorry.
My Name
Names are a very personal thing. Many people get angry when their names are mispronounced and a lot of people are very particular about which variation of their name they want people to use. EXAMPLE: Some people named Richard like being called Rick, but others might hate being called Dick.
Your name is something you emotionally identify with it and it becomes apart of you. The same thing applies to me and my last name. Everyone I know calls me Bacon: My friends call me Bacon, my teachers called me Bacon, and even my co-workers call me Bacon. The only people that don’t call me Bacon are my family members, but that’s because they are also Bacon.
Most people have no problem calling me Bacon right away, but some people are hesitant. Here is a typical first conversation with those people:
Person: Nice to meet you, I’m (guy/girl name).
Myself: Hi, I’m Bacon.
Person: Um, I don’t know if I feel comfortable calling you Bacon. What’s your real name?
Myself: Bacon is my real name.
Person: Seriously, your parents named you Bacon?
Myself: No, it’s a birth name, my last name.
Person: OH! It’s not your real name, it’s your last name.
Myself: My last name is a real name and I prefer to go by it.
Person: Well what’s your first name?
Myself: Robert, but once again I would like to be called Bacon.
Now we get to the whole point of this post. I’m sorry, but Bacon is my real name. Just because it’s my last name doesn’t make it less of a name. As a matter of fact, I will argue that your last name is more of a “real” name than your first name. Think about it: last names are handed down from generation to generation, with no one (except in specific cases) even thinking about changing them. Your first name is just some random thing that your parents wanted to call you. If I had a kid and I wanted to name him Fish Sticks, I could (and I might).
Why do people do this to me? You would never meet someone named Charlie and ask him what his “real name” was, despite the fact that his “real name” could be Charles. Why are these people allowed to change their names without question, but I get the WTF face?
I don’t think of my name as a joke. I just think of it as the name that I prefer to go by. I don’t think Bacon is a weird name at all. It’s short, easy to remember, has a good mix of consonants and vowels, and is probably the most delicious name ever.
Missed Connections
Sometimes I love sitting down and checking out some of the missed connections on craigslist. It’s like a giant list of sad, lonely, perverts. I like to think all of them are real, but I’m sure some are fake. Sadly for me I’m not creepy enough to post a real M4W (men for women) post, but fortunately for you I’m a big enough jerk to post a fake one. Here is the link to the post on Chicago’s craigslist, but that will only be active for a few days so I posted a photo below.
Click to Enlarge
UPDATE – I’ve already received two real responses to this post and one of them had photos. I would show you the photos, but I’m not that big of a jerk.
Dooooodles
I’ve never been an artist, but I am a doodler. I really enjoy drawing simple, weird cartoons in my free time. Typically I’ll just draw random things that no one will ever see, but I thought it would be cool to share a couple. Below are doodles inspired by things that were said in improv scenes. If you like them I’ll post more.
Kosher Bacon
Queefing + Whales = Wheefing
Winnie the Pooh Hate
Winnie the Pooh has been around for a long time, since 1926 to be exact. It started off as a group of books, but many of us know about Winne the Pooh because of the animated series from the late 80′s and early 90′s. Lots of people loved this show, but I hated it. It’s main flaw lies with its characters. Don’t believe me? I’ll list every main character and point out why they suck.
Needs an intervention
Winnie the Pooh – Fat, lazy, stupid, and a severe honey addiction, but for some reason everyone loves him. My guess is that if you knew someone like him in real life you would hate them, especially if they refused to wear pants.
Vaglet
Piglet - More like Vaglet. What a crying, whiney baby. Honestly was there anything that Piglet would actually like to do? Anytime the gang went on one of their mild adventures Piglet would be there crying and trying to get out of it. Maybe he should stay home or get a job because he’s just a drain on society. SIDE NOTE: He’s the only character that doesn’t look like the animal he’s supposed to be.
Emo
Eeyore – This guy is like that emo kid in high school that no one wanted to hang out with. Literally nothing would make this jerk happy. He just walks around feeling sorry for himself all the time. If Christopher Robin was a real friend he would have put him out of his misery a long time ago.
Jerk
Rabbit - This guy is just an uptight, jerk. No one likes him on the show, but for some reason he gets included in all their “adventures”. All this guy wants to do is sit in his garden and complain about people in his neighborhood. So basically if you replaced him with a 75 year old man no one would know the difference.
Idiot
Owl - What a know it all ass this guy was. He’s supposed to be the smartest creature in the woods, but FACT he doesn’t know how to spell his own name (he spells it Wol). Plus if he knew anything it would be that Owls are nocturnal. He should be sleeping during the day instead of flying around telling everyone how to spell. Archimedes (the owl from the Sword in the Stone) is a thousand times better than this idiot.
Dark past?
Kanga – Suppressive, coddling, and despite being an Australian animal she has no accent. Also, where is Roo’s father? She raises more questions than she answers. Sounds like this marsupial has a dark past.
Worthless
Roo - Acts just like that sheltered Christian girl who lived down the block. You could never eat dinner at her house because grace lasted 3 hours and the meatloaf was shaped like Jesus. Bottom line – Roo is a worthless throw away character and people only liked him because he’s a baby kangaroo (Joey).
Spaz
Tigger - An over spastic bouncing jerk-face who brings nothing to the table. I never understood why this guy was the most popular character. He always ruined any plans any other character had and he makes every situation about him. Combine that with his unlimited supply of useless Tigger “facts” and you have one of the most annoying characters every put into a children’s cartoon.
Nice shoes
Christopher Robin - The worst character by far. This short shorts British wannabe gets to skip about in the woods impeding on the woodland creatures lives. No wonder this kid has no real friends. I guess no one wants to talk to you after you’ve “experimented” with a stuffed donkey.
So why was the show so popular? Well, I can only speculate, but I can guess that people only liked it because they were 7 and it had the word poo in it. It could have been called Winnie the Booger-Butt-Fart-Face and it would have been even more popular. If there was one good thing about the show it’s that it’s theme song was fantastic and I think even better than the original.
Dick Van Dyke’s Name?
I’m a big fan of Dick Van Dyke. I think his style of physical humor was unmatched by anyone of his time. I say “of his time” because I do believe that Jim Carrey gives him a run for his money now.
But here is a valid question, how the hell did he make it on TV with the name Dick Van Dyke? It’s hard to imagine that in a time of so called “strong moral values” they would allow that name to pass. He has three names and two of them are profane. Why didn’t he just go by Richard Van Dyke? Heck even Penis Van Lesbian sounds better (and a little like royalty).
I mean if you’re going to have an inappropriate name why not just change it so the whole thing is innaporopriate. Ladies and gentleman, Dick Shit Dyke! Maybe because that sounds like something you yell when you stub your toe.
The Cart Incident
Living in a big city with no car is actually awesome. You don’t have to worry about stuff like parking, insurance, and homeless people peeing on your tires. The only time not having a car sucks is when you go grocery shopping because taking your groceries on a bus or train is just plain annoying. Instead most people just walk to the grocery store and bring everything home with a special cart (pictured below).
Folding Cart
It’s like a smaller and even more unstable shopping cart that can fold and fit in your studio apartments closest next to your unused dress shirts and lost memories.
I was walking home with this cart filled with groceries IN THE SNOW because I live Chicago and mother nature doesn’t understand that I want to bring my Nutrigrain bars home safely. Anyway, I’m hussling home with my delicious treats, pushing my cart through the snow when all of the sudden I hit an elevated part of the sidewalk. You know that stupid part of the sidewalk that you almost trip on about 1000 times and will probably take your life at the age of 73. Well that stupid thing completely stops me and my cart in our tracks.
A Normal Person
Now for a normal person this would just stop them, they would run into their cart and be slightly annoyed (illustrated poorly above). But I am not a normal person. I am a giant man. So when I hit this elevated part of the sidewalk the cart stops and hits me in the knees.
My best impression of a Russian acrobat.
This causes me to flip over the cart go face first into the snow. My face hits the sidewalk and my body lands on the cart. The good news is my fall was broken by tons of snow and my surprisingly squishy groceries. The bad news is I destroyed my cart and a tasty jar of sandwich pickles. So I had to drag my broken cart with my pickle juice covered groceries all the way home.
It was no fun and I will always call it “The Cart Incident”.
Bacon & Peanut Butter
I’ve been making websites for awhile now. My first experience making a site was back in high school when Geocities ruled all, but the best/crudest of my site making was done in my first two years of college. I lived in the dorms and spent most of my time acting like an idiot. I would do all kinds of stupid things and make a “website” about my adventures. This was right before facebook so the idea of sharing photos online was still pretty cool. Below are two old sites that I made with very limited HTML knowledge.
(peanut)butter face
Bacon & Peanut Butter (LINK) – This was one of the more random things I’ve done. This was right before winter break. Someone walked into my room and asked if I wanted some peanut butter because they were just going to throw it away. I imidiatly stuck my hand into the peanut butter and started rubbing it on my face. This was considered normal to me.
what a stupid idea
The Story of the Lawn Deer (LINK) – This one is just as ridiculous. I thought it would be cool to start making the area outside my dorm a porch (kinda like Kramer from Seinfeld). The first item I got was this lawn deer and this is the story of what happened to it.
Urban Dictionary List
Urban Dictionary is one of my favorite sites to check out once in awhile and it used to be a very popular back in the day before Wikipedia took off. For those of you who don’t know, Urban Dictionary is an open community where people can submit their own definitions of words/phrases. It’s a very simple concept that works for two main reasons. 1 – If you start noticing people use a phrase around you, but you’re not sure what it means and you can look it up. 2 – People come up with definitions that would make both Merriam & Webster’s head explode. Below is a quick list of awesome definitions that I love.
Facebook Gold – The ultimate facebook profile picture. This happens when someone looks extremely attractive and is doing something really funny simultaneously. A very rare occurrence.
Cosby Sweater (verb) - The sexual act of eating Fruit Loops, Fruity Pebbles, Trix, and Boo Berry- or any other ‘bright, colorful’ breakfast cereals- and then vomitting the tacky, dazzling mixture onto your partners chest. The result should look similar to the incredible sweaters that Bill Cosby wore during his highly successful 1980′s sitcom “The Cosby Show”.
Spot Tease – A parking spot that appears to be open, but is actually taken by a small car or motorcycle. Also can refer to a car that takes up 90% of its own spot and 10% of the one next to it, leaving no room for another car to park.
Docking (verb) – The act of placing the head of ones penis inside the foreskin of another’s penis.
Crop Dusting (verb) – Passing gas in a stealth manor, usually while walking through a crowd or a group, so that someone else gets blamed for the stench, or at the very least people besides the assailent must suffer it.
Gunt (noun) – This is a combo of gut and c*nt. The gunt is the huge layer of belly fat that hangs over the waist on morbidly obese women and covers the vagina. If for some reason, someone would actually want to have sex with this woman, the gunt must be lifted up out of the way to expose the genitals. (Mostly referred to as a FUPA)
Bacon (noun) – A local town douche-bag that can be found in Oshkosh, WI; known primarily for his Youtube videos and local towns hijinks. Often referred to solely by his last name.
What are some of your favorites?
